I don’t recall where I first heard that saying, but I believe it was a work after a fellow employee had dumped her latest heartache on the table of the breakroom. One uncaring individual simply asked her if she wanted more cheese with her whine. I thought at first he was asking her to share a bottle of wine, when someone clued me in that he was talking about whine-

So, I guess this is my whine moment but one of the ways I deal with disappointment, heartache, or loss is by writing about it. I believe by writing about it, I can compartmentalize the experience and deal with the emotional aspect easier.

I lost my best friend the latter part of last year, and no, she doesn’t walk on four feet, she walks on two (except maybe after a hard night of partying we “used to be” known for)! I have known Mo over thirty years. We met at a job, competed for the same position, got hired at the same time and then competed again for a better position- got hired as “guinea pigs” for this experimental program and hit the road together traveling from branch office to branch office.

I have been with her through her’s (and my) failed marriages, her childrens’ issues, breast cancer and all sorts of life-changing events. She has been my buddy, my confidante and someone I could always count on.

A year ago, she lost her sister and she called me and we talked. It was an unexpected death, took her completely by surprise (brain tumor) and for me it was also a complete surprise. After that initial phone call, I didn’t hear from her for quite awhile. I sent messages and emails and letters but she never returned my call. Knowing that the death of anyone loved is difficult, I backed off and let her have spac.

When Mike became ill, I attempted to contact her, valuing her expertise in the medical field. We connected and we talked but it was strained (to say the least) There were a lot of pregnant pauses in our converstation, and again, I wondered about where she was in life.

To make a long story short, I finally just pushed the issue and emailed her telling her that it felt like we were strangers when we talked. That is when, she told me about something she claims I said when she told me about her sister dying. Something, so uncaring and callous that it made me cry. Something that I would never be capable of saying to anyone, especially to Mo! But she swears I did say it and it made her think about where I stood in her world. She said that there didn’t seem to be a place for me anymore. And so she walked through the grief alone, which breaks my heart.

The only thing I can think of is that years ago when I was in that horse wreck, that it has indeed messed with my brain and I do say stupid things from time-to-time and never remember saying them. This could be one of those moments- because honestly, I am drawing a blank here.

I’ve tried everything I can to apologize to her.To let her know how much I have missed her, how much I have thought about her, prayed about her, but although she says she has forgiven me- the friendship has a wide gulf between us now and a bridge I am unable to build.

It shouldn’t be this hard to be best friends. For two people who know each other secrets, there should be a give-and-take between them. I wish she had just jumped down my throat at the time of the stupid comment and yanked out both of my tonsils. Then perhaps, the pain would be easier to deal with.

I think that is why I gravitate more towards cats then people. Even when you scare a cat by taking them to a vet and stress them out with surgeries, procedures and invasions of their personal spaces, they will remain forgiving. It might take a few days, but pretty soon they are back in your lap, purring in your ear and telling you all is right with the world.

For Mo, I wish her the best. I wish her long health and happiness and I miss her but I understand that in her world, sometimes forgiveness is hard to come by.

First off- thanks to the readers who have taken time to email me about what importance this blog has been to them when it comes to rescuing kittens or cats. That alone, warms my heart.

I don’t know if I can leave rescue permanently, so I have been praying, thinking and writing privately about how I feel. I believe that a re-direction is in order. I want to open up a retirement home for senior kitties. The ones who get tossed into the shelter because the “owner is suddenly allergic, or “the cat bit the baby,” or the family has lost their home.. Then, the only thing these cats have to look forward to is languishing in a cage most of the time to small for anything to live in- or a quick trip to the room where the needle or gas awaits them.

But because I have a way with the ferals and strays, I want to take it to the next level and open up a retirement home for older strays. I know by experience that the only place for older stray cats is a barn or the pound- so…by the end of next month, I may be coming into a bit of money- sent to me by someone I helped a few years ago via email to save a small kitten. They live overseas and quite recently, their relative passed away and in gratitude for their now healthy and mischievous cat- they want to send me a bit of the inheritance.

The money would allow me to make some improvements on the enclosure- including putting on a decent roof instead of the cra* fiberglass we used initially. It will also allow me to go non-profit which means I can actually become a public fundraiser for the sake of the cats. Mike and I have been talking about the possibilities and when I told him I wanted to open up a Senior Cat Residence, he was all for it.

The money would truly be a godsend, coming during a time in my life where it is desparately needed. All the vet bills would be paid and that would be lovely and good things could come from this generous gift. But time will tell if it will actually come to pass. The people who I have mentioned this to have all said the same thing- “it is to good to be true and must be a scam..” That was my first thought when it was offered to me as well. Because after all, come on, this is the Internet.

But that is what I want to do- provide a safe, comfortable place for senior strays and other forgotten cats to hang out. Not expecting them to do anything other than live here and knowing full well that this will be the last stop in their lives- because no one adopts the seniors- everyone wants a kitten.

So thanks again to all of you for your compassion, your sharing of your stories about the strays and ferals in your lives. You all touched my heart in a very deep way and made me realize that I can’t stop rescuing and sharing my stories. I can however change my focus and leave the kitten rescue to others better equipped to deal with the unique problems that sometimes accompany the wee ones.

This morning, Toots went to join her last owner, Ernie. I woke up to find her lethargic, cold to the touch (her paws were like ice) She had hitching breath and her eyes had checked out. As we were bundling her up into a blanket to run her to the vet- she took one last shuddering gasp of air and was still.

Toots came to us early last year. Her owner had died unexpectedly of the flu and no one wanted a senior cat with no teeth who drooled all over the place. My friend Eddie told me about Toots and so I told her that I would take Toots if she could place two of my kittens. Eddie found a wonderful home for the two kittens and Toots came to live with us.

I think Toots knew her time was coming to an end, because yesterday, she was out of character- coming up to me every time I entered the bedroom and wanting to be loved and petted. Normally, she was reserved and lay in her bed coming out to eat or occassionally to be petted. We had a wonderful time of loving on each other, and I believe she was saying goodbye.

Bye Toots- you were loved and I am grateful your end was quick and relatively painless. I know you are walking next to Ernie where you truly belong. Say hello to the gang for me- and when you see a young man with bright red hair- tell him his mom misses him bunches~ You will be missed-

Last night at work, I made a fool of myself and fell over. I was kneeling behind the games counter helping a customer when suddenly, I felt weak-kneed and dizzy. Over I went, hitting the game cage. Thankfully, none of the games crashed down on the customer’s head!

Nancy comes running over to see if I am okay. How ironic that I work with the kindest human I have ever met and yet she shares a name that brings me pain every time I say it.

I was fine just a bit wobbly and I was sent home. Mike was asleep when I got there- it was only 9:00 but these days, I am lucky if he makes it to 8:00! The cats converged around me offering me their purrs and headbumps. I think they knew I was off kilter and as I fell asleep, I had nine sharing my sleep space.

This morning when I woke up, I still felt disjointed and I knew what I had to do. I had to give a big package of grief to God because it hurts to much to keep carrying it around. It is making me gnarly and difficult to live with and though I have tried to move past the last parental episode, I find that moving past it is not something that I can do- but I do know that God can help me by relieving the burden of all the pain.

So all of it went up to God in a big ugly package. The grief of losing family both human and feline, I just gave it all up. I asked God to help me find my way back to Him, for I have strayed far since the years of Calvary Church, the Fire Escape, Maranatha and Icthus. I need my joy back- I miss smiling and feeling free. And poor Mike, our 24th wedding anniversary is approaching soon and after he witnessed what he did down north, I am sure he is having second thoughts about just what he married! I know I would! He barely talks about that night, although this morning at breakfast he did say that the room was so tense that night he could barely breathe. How did he put it? “So much ugly coming from two people I used to respect.” I know just how he feels.

My cats had a visitor tonight. Nick of the Feral Cat Coalition of Oregon came over to pick up his traps and also went into the cat enclosure. I had to laugh- for all the cats I have remaining- there were only three brave enough to stay in the enclosure when the “stranger” poked his head in- Sierra, Rocky and of course, my alpha- Matuse. Nick was impressed with the place where the ferals hang out- even though it was getting dark and one lightbulb does little to show off the true effect of the cat enclosure. There is another neuter scooter coming through in january, but the kittens are still to young to be clipped. I don’t think they do them before they are 6 months old, but I could be wrong. It would be nice to get them neutered by 4 months so they won’t even begin to spray anywhere.

The pups are doing so good. The love it outside and it is hard to get them to come in at times, but to their credit when they are in a situation they need to get out of quickly, they do listen to me and come when called. They had such fun this morning playing while the winds were roaring- 35mph winds- they were chasing bits of leaves and tree branches that were snapping, whileI was having a multitude of heart attacks thinking they were going to get smacked by a branch- but they didn’t.

June 22, 2006 after a visit to one of the shelters, our home opened up to include yet another rescue. Guinevere was an overweight, abused senior who was destined to be PTS because no one wanted to handle her care. She was laying on the floor of a small cage when I saw her and when they opened up the cage door, she crab walked and hopped over to me and settled down in my lap. I was sitting on the floor. Our deal was sealed and she left with us that day.

Since that time, Guinevere has lived on the floor of our bedroom. Her bed was a chaise lounge chair pillow and her security was a large cloth kennel or a quick duck under the bed when something disturbed her.

She loved to be groomed and brushed was impossible to pill and had quite an attitude especially about food. She was so courageous, living through the type of abuse that would simply make you gasp. She endured several controversial treatments from me, including accupuncture as a way of alleviating the pain she was dealing with with her misshapen limbs.

This morning we both said goodbye to this cat of courage. Her recent senior panel (she was 21+ years old) showed she had cancer. Since she has already been through enough trauma to last a lifetime, we allowed her to meet death on her terms with dignity- while she still had her grace about her.

I knew something was up because the litter pan she used had recently started to resemble an olympic sized pool when it came to her urine. The cancer showed up in her kidneys.

I hope this is the final goodbye for the felines here for 2008. I am comforted in that Guinevere now can move about the heavens unencumbered by a reluctant body. She also found a new friend on her journey as my friend Dusty also said goodbye to one of her senior friends. Louie was 15 years old when he met his angels.

Dusty said that she thought she was okay with it, that it was “time.” I told her if you EVER are okay with it, then that is when you walk away from rescue because you have lost the compassion that drove you into rescue in the first place.

Bye Guinnie- thank you for all the lessons you bestowed on me- You take with you a large piece of my heart in your leaving

Muddy and Chilkoot both tested negative for distemper! I am so relieved and elated. They were vaccinated against both distemper and FeLV and although they are still battling ringworm, they were pronounced in good shape!

Guinnie has an allergy so I just gave her a bath and she did remarkably well for what I feel must have been her very first bath in her lifetime. I hope the special shampoo does the trick for her and she will be flea-treated tomorrow safely with Advantage.

I treat with the large dog size Advantage and break it down so I can flea treat the entire crew at a lower cost. I found the breakdown on a cool website called lisaviolets cathouse. You can google the name to pick up the URL or visit the page here: lisaviolets’s cathouse

An ice storm has swarmed in and has hit with surprising ferocity. I should have known last night when I got off work as the cats were restless and active and running through the tunnels and leaping around the enclosure as if they were after invisible mice. This morning, the pipes broke in the house and we were without power for a few hours. I know that we got home from my parents at just the right time, because I talked to my sister and they have been stranded in the house due to the snowfall for a few days.

Tomorrow is my day off and I make yet another trip to the vet with Muddy and Chilkoot and Guinevere. Guinnie has an unusual outbreak around her entire neck- scabby nasty sores that I hope is ringworm, but she doesn’t light up like a Christmas tree under the black light. Last time I saw such sores was on Twirl right before they told me she had cancer. I hope that it is a minor irritation and nothing major because I do not think my heart can take yet another loss.

Mike asked me this morning how many cats have survived this feline distemper thus far. The resident cats seem to be okay (knock on wood) and although matuse and toots are still sneezing the URI seems to be drying up.

Our survivors are: Rocky- Sierra-Taylor-Cole-Matuse-Oliver-Charlie-Trump-Everest-Chaplain-Dash-McKinley-Muddy-Chilkoot-Toots-Guinevere-

If Muddy and Chilkoot test positive for distemper, I will put them down without hesitation. It is a horrible way for a kitten to die as it does so much damage inside they have to be in excruciating pain. The virus even splits cells! 🙁 If Guinnie has cancer- she too will be met by the angels. She is 19 years old, she has had a good life and I will not allow her to suffer not even for a moment. She suffered quite enough in the hands of her previous owner who intentionally ran her over and denied her vet care. Then, I vow never to rescue another kitten or cat again. 35 years and I have had enough pain this year to make me walk away from this calling. I will be glad to help others save their feline friends, but this house is closed for rescue as of right now. Besides, the damn virus lives for 2 years so any cat brought in here is at risk to get this horrible disease.

The bookkeeper will be glad to hear that I am leaving rescue. I am sure she wants to throttle me every time she makes out the billing. I don’t even want to think about how much I owe my vet right now.

Onions has been spayed and she is back with her previous owner. None of her kittens survived. 🙁

I am back after a exhausting and emotionally overwhelming visit. Mother has double pneumonia and was hospitilized pending treatment. She was perfectly coherent when we arrived (it was a 570 mile journey) but we couldn’t talk to her because all she would do is cough.

Early Weds morning, the phone rings at 1:21 and the nurse tells me they are having problems with my mother. They had to move her from one room because her roommate was developing an infection and it was after that move that mother became confused and combative. My prim and proper mother who keeps an immaculate home went into a rage and threw a pan of urine at the nurse! She tried to upend the bed table, threw her water and pitcher on the floor and so they called to see if I might come down and help out.

In a move, I will always live to regret. I asked the nurse if I should bring my father, and she said she would rather I came alone. So I woke up Mike and we rushed to the hospital to see what was going on.

What happened that night will forever be imprinted on my heart. Even after my father arrived (I sent Mike back to fetch him) after I couldn’t convince my mother that the nurses weren’t trying to kill her, and the holes in the walls weren’t from bullets but rather from someone taking down a peg board. But that night, I found what it was like to venture one toehold into hell and I watched two people do battle in a hateful, hurtful way- and no, I was not spared any of the pain as plenty was dealt in my direction as well.

Mother was out of her head and my first thought was what the H* kind of drugs are they giving her? But as the night wore on into morning and the battle continued, I watched two people who I have known for a very long time that they don’t love each other- confirm that very fact.

We left spent and breathless with mother still in a chair, refusing to go to bed, and lamenting the fact that I didn’t go to the truck and give her a bowl of dog pee so she could have ammunition. I kept telling her that we left the dog at home but she didn’t believe me and kept insisting I was “in on it” and they had brainwashed me. She kept talking about a certain movie- 76 men? And that the whole staff was out to kill her. The oxygen they supplied her with was discarded on the bed hissing away, because she was convinced it was a noose and they were going to hang her. It was all very sad and scary.

When we got back to the house, Mike very carefully blocked my father’s car in the garage with our truck. He isn’t supposed to drive, he surrendered his license awhile back and he has trouble seeing and hearing. But he wanted to go to mother’s side and wouldn’t allow either of us to drive him. The fights that night between us were incomprehensible. He was yelling and screaming, and just as my mother had, he said things to me that were hurtful and hateful. He didn’t want us to drive him, by golly he was going to drive there. At one time he went out of the house fully dressed with jacket and cap and vanished. Mike wanted to jump in the truck and go drive to the hospital as he thought he might walk the entire way! But I stopped him. I had a feeling he was hiding in the back of the property waiting for us to do just that so he could jump in the car and go to mother. He wasn’t on the road anywhere as I hunted with a flashlight and when we went inside to call 911 he appeared as I was on the phone and came back into the house.

So much happened that night and now that I am home, I wonder if it was all a bad dream. But Mike, who was right in the middle of it all tells me it did happen. In the morning after the fighting, I called the vet to find out the results of the tests on Dawson only to find out it is feline distemper. I knew then we had to go. That coupled with the fight and the 64 years of hatred I saw between my parents in that little room, and the fact that two bad storms were advancing, I knew I had to get the heck out of Dodge. I woke poor Mike up at 2:30 in the afternoon where he was sleeping in a recliner and we were packed and ready for travel in 15 minutes.

We got home at 1:00 a.m. this morning only to find to our great sorrow: Hailey, Lazarus, and Aitumn showing full effects of distemper. They met the angels at 8:00 a.m. With the exception of the two youngest adults in the house, the rest of the clowder is free of the URI that plagued them when we left. Mudslide and Chilkoot might still have a chance to live and I moved them down into the bedroom.

It has been a really sad time both here and with my parents. My heart was shattered many times over during that long combat period and the one-on-one with my mother showed her true hatred of me. I just had to get out of there. My father wouldn’t let me tell my sister who arrives tomorrow what happened. He said because he doesn’t want to worry her, but I know better. I have been the keeper of secrets in this family for a long time. He doesn’t want anyone to know what happened, and because it was me in the room during the battle he can always just say I have an over-active imagination and made the whole thing up.

But it has been on my heart since I got home and I had to put the hurt somewhere. It was so overwhelming that even when I laid the kittens to rest in the forest, I couldn’t cry for them. I had already shed all my tears on the long ride home.

Won’t be blogging for a week. Leaving for my parents my mother is ill and I need to be with my parents. Kittens are recovering slowly- thinking now (hoping) this is not distemper. Will update when return home- please pray we have safe journey going into snowy passes not fun driving.

On the way to the vet this morning, Dawson died. I was doing in some places 80 mph trying to get her there before she passed. I will know by Tuesday if it is distemper. Lazarus is showing similar symptoms and has been isolated now.

Goodbye Daws- I am so sorry I failed you-