Today is our wedding anniversary and I refuse to be sad. To be sad would not honor Mike in any fashion. Mike didn’t know sad, despite ALL he went through with his Diabetic challenges, he kept his humor and his stories pouring through.

I can honor him by being kind in my actions and words. I know that he was the nicest man I ever met- and only the uglies showed up a few years ago as the disease slowly claimed him. I was sitting here this morning remembering all the times he would go above and beyond for others. One time in Alaska in the middle of the night during a blizzard when our neighbor called and said both his dogs had vanished in the storm. Mike got out of bed, dressed really warm and went out to find them. He had this uncanny ability to whistle LOUD quite talented at it and he whistled those boys right to him, tucked them under his coat and delivered them back to our neighbor.

He was always fixing things for co-workers, building computers from scratch and giving them away to the boys and girls club or the scouts. Just a really giving man. Building custom knives and then just giving them away to charities to auction off- helping stranded motorists. He just had a sweet, sweet heart.

So Michael, God Bless You, I love you and I miss you and we will meet again..

This morning, the vet called and said that Pigeon was going a bit stir crazy in his cage and was ready to come home! I went to get him and presented the gal with a check for $300.00 as a partial payment. When I got the receipt back, I saw there was $180,00 credit! I questioned why and she told me someone from back east had called that morning and paid the bill in full! Said the person wanted to remain anonymous. So thank you anonymous! Thank you so very much for opening up your heart for Pigeon.

He is doing good. No fevers, no pain pills, no anti-inflammatories and only two stitches left up near his rectum. No drainage showing and I am just to put this special powder on his wounds twice a day. He is so happy to be home, all he wants to do is hug me, but the e-cone makes that a bit difficult!

Only a few times in your life, does a cat wander in that is so extraordinary that words can’t describe the relationship you form with this animal. That’s how Pigeon has been from the very beginning with me. He reminds me of an old soul and sometimes I wonder if perhaps Kabota and Prowler are in kahoots and came back to be with me during this very difficult time. He reminds me a lot of both of them. He looks like Kabota and his traits remind me of Prowler.

I am grateful he wanted to stay here as his wounds were horrendous. He is a cat of courage and strength. I am glad God has allowed him to remain here with me..

Pigeon is back at the vet this morning and he will stay there until he is completely healed. Based on re-occurring fevers, marked edema and infection it was decided this is the best thing to do for him at this time. I can call every day, I can visit every day, but the vet doesn’t want him to leave until all the inflamed tissue has healed up and their are no more gaping wounds.

I’m in the process of selling off all of Mike’s shop equipment and although I need to fix a hole in the bedroom ceiling, and replace the carport roof, the monies from that sale will go to the vet bill first Pigeon is my priority first and foremost.

Last night, his leg started to swell and the sutures started popping. I gave him a pain pill and his antibiotic and called the vet this morning. He has these occasional tremors/shivers that course through his body and the only positive thing I can add is he is still eating and pooping. I’m not sure what to do. The vet said that if he is not better by mid-afternoon, I am to bring him and let him stay with the vet until he is better. I’ll be honest with you, we have $96.00 left in CATS right now (after giving the vet $300.00) I don’t know how much more pain I can ask this cat to take? He has been non-stop purring and trembling since arriving home at at 2:00 a.m. his temp was 103.8.

My gut says to let him go, but my heart screams “NO!” I am so conflicted. I don’t have the monies for him to stay long-term and he is in so much pain. I slept with him last night, and not once did he close his eyes. Just purred and trembled in my arms all night long.

There is a photo down below- look at your own risk. It’s not pretty but it shows what he is facing. I have him wrapped in warming blankets right now and despite all the pills I have pushed down him, all the fluids I have had to give him- this brave boy still loves me. My question to myself is Is it right to keep him here knowing what type of pain he is fighting?

Pigeon’s injury

He was home briefly, but a few hours ago, his skin swelled to an alarming rate and all the sutures let go and  I had to rush him back to the vet’s office. They are again keeping him overnight, will do another surgery in the  morning and will call me as soon as they know something beyond that. I asked the vet if it would just be better to put him to sleep, but he told me not to give up on him. Said that he has seen this type of reaction before in cats and that Pigeon has already shown a huge will to live. They have given him a pain shot and I kissed him goodbye gently. He just had a huge plate of food so they can’t do the second surgery till morning.

I don’t know what we are going to do about the cost of all of this. This is not the vet clinic that will patiently wait for little payments to come in to get rid of the vet debt. My regular vet is getting quite popular and it is hard to get in to see him on the same day so I opted for this other clinic that had an opening right away.

Pigeon is still flat. He will lay in one spot and not move and only eat if I bring him the food and put a bit in his mouth. The swelling has centralized under his left rear leg and there are ridges in the swelling? Like little canyons and they crackle when they are pressed. He is avoiding me at all costs (probably tired of getting pilled to death). I am supremely worried about him and hope that this week when I take him back that Ben will be able to fix him. But I will say this- his trust meter with people is on low right now even with me. 🙁 He still cannot put full weight on his back legs and they are still showing signs of tremors. I would say, this beautiful boy has been a victim of hate. 🙁

I am still baffled as to what happened to this beautiful boy in the week he went missing from us. He came back three days ago and when I saw him for the first time in seven days, my concern grew. He was coming back to me, but he was traveling backwards! I went to scoop him up carefully and when I turned him over- he was one contusion from his neck to his tail! I’ve never seen anything like it and I rushed him to the vet where they put him on steroids and painkillers and determined he had no broken bones just massive swelling in his underbelly and back by his legs. 🙁 They didn’t even want to attempt surgery, said he wouldn’t live through it if they anesthetized him.

I picked him up this morning and he is home but they want to see him again in a week. The swelling in his back legs, if you press it gently it sounds like fingernails on a blackboard. Ben said it is the fluid trapped within. I don’t know if he got hit by a car? Did someone just go to work with him with a baseball bat? I have no clue but we find ourselves with no answers and a $580.00 new vet bill. They have him on clindymycin and a pain killer and I have him isolated in the bedroom right now.

I was so worried about him last night until Ben called me at 8:00 and said I could come and bring him home if I kept him quiet. My sweet Pigeon- what in the world happened to you? If anyone can donate any monies right now, it would go immediately on the new vet bill. Thank you-

I would say in the last 45 days, I have noticed a change in Kota. He is only sleeping on the bed, or on the couch instead of just stretching out on the floor. When he gets off the couch, it is the strangest thing to watch. He will get down with his front legs extended fully on the floor, but he will keep his back legs propped up on the couch with the pads of his feet extended towards the ceiling. He will stay there for the longest time, then creep forward slowly with this front paws and when his rear hits the floor with a thud, he will just lay down right there for a few moments before moving on. I have never seen anything like it and as it has become a habit for him to do this, I strongly suspected hip dysplasia might be the reason.

I took him in today for films and it isn’t hip dysplasia, it is worse. His hips are so messed up (at age two!) Both of the sockets appear to be displaced severely. There is a surgery to correct this, but it would involve not only several thousands of dollars but months of stress for him as he recovered being confined to a small cage for most of the time. They would have to completely remove both the sockets- then confine him as the scar tissue started regrowing and strengthening the bones again plus they would have to pin him inside and out.

So, we have opted to keep him on pain meds and I told him tearfully that I won’t let him suffer. The vet said he would be surprised if Kota were here for his 6th birthday. 🙁 He is on tramadol twice a day and no more runs in the woods or playing ball or going on playdates. I knew something was wrong but I was hoping just because he is such a mixture of breeds and so lanky, that these stretches off the couch were because of that and nothing else.

My first instinct when I was shown the films and they were explained to me, was to call Mike and let him know. Old habits die hard I guess. Perhaps part of me still thinks Mike is back at the hospital and will be home soon. Not sure why I picked up the phone to dial him up. Brain dead might be a good guess.

Just trying to work through each day and deal with all the emotions that arrive, the best I can. Doesn’t help that our anniversary and his birthday are approaching soon. Hoping once I can get through those days without shaking apart, I might be able to get through the rest of them as well. I feel like a ship that has lost her rudder right now and each day brings new challenges.

Kota and I go for walks (weather permitting) and Kota and Molly are still following me around the house, ready to put their therapeutic paw out whenever it is needed.

The sanctuary cats are doing well. We had a power outage the other day following a fierce wind and now the heated cat beds are dead in the water. I’m not sure what happened? I have flipped all the breakers- turned off switches, replugged in the beds and they are still cold as stone. Not good when temps are dipping down into the 30’s at night. I didn’t realize how much I depended on Mike to fix things for us and now that he isn’t here- I have to figure it out for myself or bug a friend of his to help me out. I hate to be beholden on people like this as I know Jack has his own life and troubles to deal with.

I miss him a lot even though I know he is better off where he is now. just hoping as days pass, I will get my smile back and deal with less tears and heartache.

You know, I thought that when Mike did leave us, that I would feel a big part of relief that his struggles with pain were over. He was so difficult starting about 8 months ago, when his appetite just left him and he got really cranky. There was a time when I considered just leaving him because of the changes the disease was doing to him inside and out. But I stayed, because I took a vow to see him through the good, the bad and even the ugly.

And I miss him more than life itself. I had the bereavement counselor stop by- but she didn’t really do much for me. I showed her my rememberance place that I constructed in one night of intense emotional pain. I stripped my refrigerator of all the magnets, the notices, the cards and put up photos that represented our 40 years together. All aspects of his life are up there. It is not a shrine. It is a place of celebration and reflection and yes, grief for me.

The counselor was impressed when she saw it and said she would mention it to her other clients as a way they can cope. Better than putting him in a book and shoving him in a drawer. This is a place where I can hopefully in time, work through the pain and the loss I am now feeling. The emptiness is overwhelming especially at night. That’s when he used to need me the most, when Kota would wake me to alert me to Mike stopping breathing because of sleep apnea and no, he wouldn’t use his CPAP machine.

And so I go back to just over a month ago that he took his last breath of air with me at his side. And I kissed him and told him I was so glad his pain was over and he was whole again. Mine is just beginning. I pray I am strong enough to come through whole again too.