Today was hard. There was a big meeting with everybody (including Mike and his eldest son who showed up unexpectedly this morning) from Alaska.  When all the doctors said their piece to Mike explaining to him in various ways that they could fix his heart, but it wouldn’t fix anything else going on and if they did the procedures it could make what is going on worse.  Mike still did not seem to understand (or he is just clinging to that Denial) the situation.

That left myself, Dave (Mikes son) and a group from Pallative Care to explain to my husband this was his end of life, and still, he seemed to only cling to the fact that the surgeons said they “could” fix him. That’s all he heard, that’s all he wanted to hear. It was exhausting and a long meeting of which I recorded it for the sake of the kids that didn’t come to see their dad.

In the end, Mike will go to Home Hospice. They told me that they are “the new 911” Should he fall in the house, I am to call them straightaway. They will come out immediately and they are available for both of us 24/7. They will take over in every aspect of his care, visiting 3 days a week. They will look at his meds and toss away the ones that he is taking to prevent something he “might” get in the future- take him off the toxic chit- he has been on opiods for ten years! So his kidneys failing at this stage is no surprise, that is what hydrocodone does, it poisons the kidneys. They will be here for me, for spiritual support, emotional support, whatever I need, and if the care becomes too burdensome, they will take him for 5 days at no charge and put him into a facility to give me a much-needed break.I am ashamed to say that during the meeting, I couldn’t keep it together and when I started to cry, a nurse came over and gave me a box of kleenix. I told her I was sorry that I had broke down and she hugged me and said “Are you kidding me? If I was in your position, I would be on the floor in a puddle!” That made me laugh. 

I know that Mike knows that he is dying and if he wants to play that life is great and a butterfly has landed on his nose and all is right with the world, then I can play along. I know it is going to be hard. He wants to die here and that is not something to look forward to, but it is what it is. His insurance does not cover long-term care of this measure but Hospice Home will be free and they will be available 24/7. If he falls in the house, I am to call them instead of the paramedics. He will be on a morphine pump, he will have a catheter to make it easier on him and I guess we will just continue on and when God knocks on his heart one final time, my hope is his last days were easier for him than his past days have been.

Love you guys, thanks for being here.

My husband of almost 33 years is dying. They have stopped all supportive care and are placing him on Morphine to “ease him into transistion” That’s what they said. His kidneys are at 20% if they go ahead with the angioplasty it will kill him. So it’s a toss-up- will he die of congestive heart failure? Or will his kidneys just say “I’ve had enough- and then they get out of Dodge. I have to attend another meeting tomorrow with everyone in attendance (except Mike) his PC doctor, all the cardiologists, kidney doctors social services- the whole shebang.

He called me last night, he sounded really odd and spoke of things in the past we have done together. He kept telling me over and over that he “felt odd, disjointed, fuzzy inside couldn’t adequately explain it, then he apologized for his past behavior the last few years towards me and said he hoped I would forgive him.

I was there this morning when the doctors came in to see him. They discussed with him that they weren’t going to do the heart surgery and he asked in a puzzled tone “Why not? Isn’t my heart blocked?” One doctor tried to explain to him that they have done all they can and he isn’t responding in a positive nature to anything that they have done for him. He told them about feeling that funny way inside and they just looked at each other and left.

I followed them into the hall where one surgeon gave me a hug and said that this is how people feel right before they die. They don’t suspect he will be here for Thanksgiving.

I went back to in to see him and he was talking about going to Avamere to get stronger and better and coming home. (sob) I talked to him for a few minutes and then left. Tomorrow after the big meeting, I will begin the hard task of letting his kids know. I have kept them updated on everything but this update is not one I wish to deliver.

Pigeon has chronic constipation/obstipation.  He lacks the nerve plexus required to push stool through his system without assistance. Cisipride has been suggested to help him move things along as has Miralax. He needs a more structured diet one of low fiber. I am told Royal Canin makes a good one in both dry and wet. He is done with his Blue Buffalo which I thought would be helpful but I found out, it is not working for him. They also want him to drink more water- but he drinks so much water now. I need to find a bigger pet fountain with free-flowing water to see if that might help him.

They all fell in love with him over the time period he was there being examined, tested, probed and worked on. Even after getting two enemas, his loving purrsonality was still intact and impressing everyone. I am glad to have him home and just hope I can get him to the point where he can use the litterpan on a regular basis and find relief from all the pain he has been in.

Mike’s heart procedure has been cancelled until Monday. He still has the dye in him from the last procedure and because his kidneys are in such rough shape- they want to be sure all the dye is gone before they reintroduce another type of dye for the stents. Apparently the two dyes don’t like each other.

I have a new furnace! It was really an act of God moving mountains to bring it all about. This model is newer than the old one and is equipped with a blower so the heat now travels all over the living room instead of just in a few areas. It was a true miracle how it all came about and I am so grateful as the temperature at night in the house was pretty miserable. This one has a mock fire screen in front of it so it has ambiance as well. We just now got it going and the temp has gone from 42 to 67 degrees in a matter of minutes.

Mike called this morning and he is grumpy. I think he was set for the surgery to be performed, so he could at least start to feel better and now that they pulled that out from under him it has unsettled him. I just told him to try and relax, he is in a good place and I am sure they know what they are doing.

Holy Smokes! I just went on Amazon to see about putting the required food for Pigeon on the wish list- it’s there, but for cripes sake $84.00 for an 8.8 pound bag??! That’s ridiculous 🙁

Someone was kind enough to mail Kitty Treats to us today. Thank you Victoria!  Molly thought I was too slow in opening it up, so she decided to help! Silly Kitty!

Pigeon is still at the vet and will have an exploratory tomorrow to find out what the mass in his stomach is all about. While they are in there, they will clean him out because his stomach and his colon are once again full of stool and he is unable to poop yet again. He wants to come home, he is trashing the place according to one of the vet techs. If you would like to send a few dollars to help pay for this procedure, we would welcome the help.

Mike had a left-heart catherization yesterday. He is still in the ICU. He has been diagnosed with multi-vessel coronary disease with 70% of his heart blocked. To make matters worse, the blocked vessels all show evidence of disease.

He will have 4-6 stents put in tomorrow morning and although the average recovery time for this type of procedure is 4-6 hours, they are not optimistic that he will stay in that “normal” range. His kidney disease has advanced as well and he has a UTI to top things off. He is in good spirits and since arriving, his rhythms have finally settled down into what they call his normal rhythm thanks to the oral meds they put him on. Their plan is (unless he goes south of them) is to put him into the PCU after his procedure.

This morning, on the way home from seeing him, I stopped to get gas and when I opened the back door to grab my purse, a kitten jumped in my truck! Surprising, because Kota was in the truck and thankfully, he is used to cats. I also had a cat trap in the truck, so I quickly put him in the trap and went in to talk to the employees to see if the kitty belonged to someone.

She has been there about a week, they said and they have been feeding her, but no one wanted her. I went back to the rear of the building where they were putting food out and I saw Cheetos and popcorn on a paper plate! No one has fed her anything but junk food which is odd because they sell cat food in their small store. I brought her home, she inhaled a whole can of friskies cat food. I gave her a bath- she was crawling with fleas- and dewormed and de-flead her took her to the vet where she tested negative. She will be spayed on Tuesday. Her name is Chevron and she is the friendliest little kitty. She’s a tuxedo short hair with some unusual patterns on her back and chest.

Neon is recovering well from his surgery. He is fighting an URI but the vaporizer is helping him to breathe so hopefully in a few days, he can go off to a new, loving home.

It has been cold here and we haven’t had heat now in five days. Our furnace kept winking out, so I called a serviceman who came and slapped a condemned sticker on our furnace and turned off the gas! The casing is cracked. Hopefully we will have a new heater by next week. Last night, even with two space heaters going it was 40 degrees in the living room. The serviceman told me about a heater that would kick out more heat it’s called the dish and Costco sells it. Problem is, I don’t have $60.00 to get it right now, so Kota and the kitties will just have to pile on to the bed and help keep me warm. I think they are piling on the bed because of the electric blanket, but that is just a guess on my part. LOL God Bless long underwear and flannel onesies!

And now you are all caught up in my life-

Never, did it even cross my mind, that Mike would say to me: “Mary Anne, I need you to drive me to the hospital!”

But that is what happened yesterday, when out of the blue, he announced that he wanted me to take him. He said he felt “odd.” His head was hurting, his chest felt strange, he was dizzy and lightheaded and his vision was blurred. I dropped everything and off we went.

His heart rate accelerated up to 195 then back to 63 than up again. His BP was low 90/30 then it would drop and pick up as his body tried to keep pace with his heart rate issue. They did films, EKG’s, his face would be beet red, then pale out. His breathing labored and intense.

They moved him from on ER room to another where they hooked him up to this heart machine, one I have never seen before. They ran two IV’s one, they said was a pick line. Starting the IV’s he bled like a stuck pig and repeatedly, they asked me “Are you sure he isn’t on blood thinners?” Then they scooted off into the hallway to confer where I could hear every word. They were concerned about how thin his blood was appearing.

Finally, they told me that there was nothing I could do and suggested I go home, get some rest and they would call me when they knew more. They said the thinking was- he had an infection somewhere in his body and it was affecting his heart and his lungs in a major way. I went home, fell asleep and when I woke up no one had called, so I did.

Mike is in ICU. At around midnight, they put in a temporary pacemaker. I was told they called me- but there is no record of it that I can see. Said if the heart responds positively, on Monday they will put in a regular pacemaker. If he does not respond, they will explore “other options.”

I knew something was seriously wrong when he asked me to take him to the hospital. Usually, I have to beg, plead even threaten for him to let me take him to the hospital. He was scared and confused and wanted answers as to why any little effort on his part would cause him to almost pass out.

I’m leaving here in a few minutes to go and see him. I just ask for the believers to gather in His name and when they do, please say a prayer for Mike who does not deserve any of what Life has recently thrown at him.

Mike will be in the hospital (I am told) for quite awhile. He only just got home three days ago and since he has been home, I have noticed that he wasn’t breathing right. I mentioned it to him and he just said he thought it was because of the mass. He also has been doing goofy things in the middle of the night with no recollection of him doing these things in the morning when I questioned him. Night before last, I woke up to noise like nails on a blackboard. I thought maybe one of the cats had gotten stuck up on the windowsill and was scratching to get free? That’s what it sounded like. I flipped on the light, and saw Mike with his broad beam flashlight and one of his hunting knives. He was scraping the beam lens with his knife (it looked positively psychotic). I ran over to him and asked him what he thought he was doing? He told me he was “getting a drink of water!” I got the items away from him. Went in the kitchen to get him a glass of water and came back, and he was sound asleep. I don’t think he was getting enough oxygen to his brain and it caused him to do some really strange things.

Please just pray for him. You don’t have to announce you are- prayer is private between you and God. He hears you, and that’s what matters. I’ll update when I can.

Thank you my friends for being here right now for me. That matters as well- It matters a lot.

M.A.

Just returned from a visit with him. His face is still turning alternately beet red (at the slightest movement) or pale white. He is dehydrated, anemic and no longer has AFIB. He is now in VTAC (Ventricular Tachycardia) which they say right now is hovering  in the danger zone.

His bed is right across the hall from the main desk and at any given time, he has up to four nurses facing him and watching him like a hawk. If his machine beeps they are in there in seconds.

I met the two head cardiologists assigned to his care and answered all their questions to the best of my ability. Mike is tried and peaked. he told me his vision in his left eye has become worse overnightI heard them mention retina detachment while I was there. But hewas entertaining everyone with his Christian bear story- although he got some of the story incorrect (I’ve heard the story hundreds of times). I told his victims not to laugh- it just encourages him! LOL It was good to see him, but the visits can’t be long and only two family members at a time can come in and see him.

They did tell me, he is likely to be in ICU for at least two weeks if not longer.He was awake during the insertion of the temporary pacemaker and told me they gave him a local before they put it in. I couldn’t even kiss or hug him because they said he absolutely cannot move a muscle right now and they were afraid he would try to wrap his arms around me and tax his heart. 🙁

The kitty rescued from near the dumpster this afternoon did not have bite wounds and abscesses on his neck. The five year old dilute orange had a tumor. Once removed, the tumor was sliced open and examined. This sweet kitty has squamous cell carcinoma BUT the vet believes he got it all out in one cut. He will be confined to a cage (he is going a bit crazy at the moment) for 3 weeks, then transferred to the Introduction Cage in the main enclosure to be gradually introduced into the population and remain there for 3 months before being put up for adoption.

If the squamous cell returns, it will be during that time period and it will return with a vengeance and take no prisoners. I’ve sadly had a few cats in the past with this awful cancer and once you piss it off and bother it- it can be brutal when it returns. I am hoping the vet is correct and all of it has been lopped off. Right now, he could go trick or treating as Frankenstein’s cat. Horrible incision on his neck and head.

It’s been a rocky day for us here. Pigeon is once again backed up the hilt. So much that he is throwing up poop. 🙁 They will keep him over the weekend on fluids and supportive care and on Monday they will run a barium study on him to see what gives. I am so worried and told them to just go ahead with what they need to do and I will find some way to cover the cost.

On the way home, I stopped by a fast food and noticed a cat leaning against the dumpster. He looked rather odd- his neck looked like he had a handle on it? like a suitcase. I had a cat trap in my vehicle and I managed to coax him into one and saw that he had three old wounds on his neck (deep ones). They looked like they have been abcessing repeatedly. The bottom layers are rock-hard no there is no fluid- it would all be either inflamed tissue or infection.

I want them to test him, if he tests negative, he will be neutered and treated. I am calling him Neon. He is an old man- very mellow and laid back. I would be surprised if he is negative for leukemia. But I hope I am wrong. I am waiting for the call now as all the doctors were in surgery.

He got discharged yesterday and is still quite weak and after spending the day with him, I do see that he is now altered. The phone rings and he just stares at it. I say something to him and he looks at me like a deer caught in the headlamps. The doctor did say he thinks that along with Mike’s heart issues, he is also experiencing TIA”s (micro-strokes). Home Health was here, they will come twice a week to care for his leg. I got a big lecture about tough love and practicing it with Mike which I will do my best to stay tough and not wait on him hand and foot like he is used to having people do for him.

He does perk up when company arrives, but it is in the down time, the private moments that I see him unlike I have ever seen him before. Just staring off into space, not focusing on anything in particular or just sleeping deeply most of the day. There is a big list now of all that is wrong with him now. The new medications he is on will help him sleep, help with the inflammation of his belly and also his hyperglycemia and other issues that have arisen through all of this chaos.

One  of my vet’s clients recently lost her beloved cat. When she spoke with the vet about what to do with all the medicines and other items she had gathered for her kitty, my vet suggested she contact me. This morning, she brought a lot of supplies over. I could tell she was mourning greatly and she sped away quickly as if she still couldn’t talk about it.

As I unpacked the boxes, I was touched by the depth of her love for this boy. He was lucky he had her in his corner, for this type of caring when it comes to cats is rare. You could just chart his illness from beginning to end- the toys, the pills to stop the nausea, increase the flow of fluids to the kidneys, the fluids, the feeding tubes, special food with high fiber which will be wonderful for Pigeon. I am grateful for these offerings- I know in the future they will come into play and will help a cat coming into our care.

After two weeks of frustration, multiple vet visits and stays overnight- Mr. Pigeon has kicked whatever happened to him and is now settling into a life strictly indoors (with minor complaints). It is a bit of a juggling match when I need to go outside, because he is so fast to sneak outside. He is secluded before the door is even opened so that he won’t perform the great hisscape!

I had been assist feeding him straight organic pumpkin every morning, noon and night,  but now, it appears he has acquired a taste for it and if I put it straight on a plate, he laps it up eagerly which is a total blessing. Last night, he climbed on chest for the first time and wrapped his paws around my neck- so I took a kitty selfie:

It is nice to have him back to normal. A real joy because of how flat he was just two weeks ago.

Speaking of joy, I have recently reconnected with one of my granddaughters, Ashley who now has a little girl named Harmony. It’s a long complicated story, but the last time I saw Ash, she was approaching her fifth birthday. Her mom and dad were really messed up back then and family drama ensued and she and her brother were yanked away from Mike and I and we were shattered. In retrospect, I wish I had stood up to the mom, but being newly married, a new stepmom- step grandmother, I wasn’t sure what to do so I caved.

Anyway, we have recently reconnected with her. Her first call was to her Grandpa and then she called me. She lives in Alaska and she has a rare brain disorder called AVM and has been through numerous treatments to try and destroy this that has invaded her brain. I was catching up with her life and I asked her about her daughter and found out that recently, when they were praying together Harmony asked God for a thousand cats! LOL

I told Ash, we don’t have a thousand cats, but if they came to visit, Harmony certainly could meet twenty-two kitties! A little girl after my own heart! Ashley has had a lot of struggles and Mike and I were discussing our regret for letting these two kids go from out lives. But that was years ago and it was fueled by street drugs and alcohol and two young kids who should of never been married. But, out of it came two beautiful children who despite the odds have grown up and found their path, their strength and their special tools for coping with life. I am grateful, she has reached out to communicate with us and just hope that in the future, if she needs us- she will let us know and we will come running.

On the Mike front, he is now walking! In order to move anywhere, he has to wear his leg (whereas before) he would only put it on short periods of time as per instructions. But now, with the aid of a walker and attendants nearby to catch him should he fall, he will walk the halls (and pay for it later as he is fond of telling me). I haven’t seen him in three weeks, been pretty sick with a nasty cold but will go see him tonight and leave the truck in the parking lot for a few days so they can see if he can get in and out of the truck without issue. If he can’t manage to do this, I am not sure what is next as the insurance is winding down and we don’t have the funds for private pay at this rehab center. I am just praying God will keep him strong even though he is still so weak with the infection inside. He has lost 40 pounds now- but he still has that mass in his stomach to deal with. I am in the process of finding him a new primary care doctor (his other doctor doesn’t give a rat’s ass for him) and yesterday, I have found one willing to take on such a complicated case. He specializes in gastro-intestinal issues something Mike could benefit from big time.

Thank you, ALL of you for your prayers. He has come a long way with God’s help.