This poor kitty, regardless of us not having  quite enough funds to cover the vet visit, he is going to the vet today. His eyes look so painful, they make me weep just looking at him. I have tricked him into the cat carrier, and I was grateful that he didn’t attack me. I think he would have if he felt better. I will have to drop him at the vet this morning, when I take Mo in to be spayed and just hope they accept him. They will have to sedate him to examine him- but I can’t let him continue like this much longer. His eyes are worse than Chessa’s were and I found out over the last few days they are from the same litter. 🙁  I don’t think he is feral- I just think he is terrified.)

When we get in a cat whose behavior is so puzzling and unpredictable, I have to wonder about the story behind the behavior. Cats aren’t born aggressive and ill-natured, they are made that way by experiences, neglect, abuse, ignorance. Chessa is an unprovoked attacker. Without warning of any type- she will latch on for the kill. Her favorite trick is when I am feeding her or am inside the enclosure with her- she’ll just leap on my leg and bite my kneecap. No twitching, no tail down, or ears flat, eyes narrowing- just a straight frontal  attack.

This came to a forefront yesterday when I had to take her in to see my vet. Her eyes are such a mess- she has severe conjunctivitis, her eyes, they are blue but they have a film over them- so her corneas look opaque- she has major drainage from her eyes that consists mostly of blood and her third eyelid- all you can see are her blood vessels coming down into the eye which is not normal. This kitty has been sick for a very long time without any type of vet intervention. If these drops (that have steroids in the) don’t work, she will be blind by year’s end. That was the consensus.

My vet said that this happens when as kittens, especially in crowded conditions catch calici or get an URI and no one does a damn thing about it. True enough, I did some digging after the visit yesterday and found out that when Chessa was born, all the kittens (according to the hoarder) had “icky eyes” and she had “no money to take them to the vet!” So they suffered needlessly. I don’t know what happened to the rest of her litter, but I can tell you that Chessa has been in a lot of pain for a long time- which would sort of explain her unprovoked attacks.

Yesterday at the vet, I held her the entire time they were messing with her- and they did everything. They dilated, they scoped, they pulled the eyelids, the third eye, they numbed her up- dialated her again looking for corneal ulcers which would indicate diabetes (she is also pumping out an amazing amount of urine). No corneal ulcers yeah! But just really nasty eyes. I am now tasked to four times a day, putting drops in her eyes. We should know in a few days if the drops are going to work, but I was told that if nothing happens in 4 days to cease and desist all drops.

I was amazed that she was so good, being poked and prodded. She’d been on the table for about 30 minutes while he pulled and poked and investigated. I had told him about her MO and that there was no warning- when suddenly, she sprang out from under the towel, straight for my hand- I jumped back almost tripped over the cat carrier- and one of her teeth just grazed my knuckle. I got lucky- I have 7 holes in my kneecaps right now with her name on them.

My vet just looked at me and seemed really surprised at how agile this fatty catty is- and said “Well, you warned me at least!”  He did not get chomped, she was after me.

Now, my challenge lies in how to get her to accept drops in her eyes four times a day without putting me on the menu! LOL  I just keep asking her- “Please don’t bite me- I am only trying to help you.” So far the towel trick is working- I am able to wrap her up, and lift her to the table and sneak in one drop into each eye- but this is just the first  day. I am sure she is going to try and find a way to get back at me regardless if I am helping her to see or not. Dr. Steve said that right now, with her vision, it would be the same as if someone grabbed my glasses and smeared Vaseline all over the lenses – that is how she sees right now- which also may be why she attacks without warning.

Such a sweet girl with such a bad beginning. The only thing we can do from here on in, is let her have a peaceful life as she gets older and try to establish a mutual trust between us. I also have to trust that the vet bill will be paid soon- yesterday was $265.00 with meds and lab work. And we just gave them a $300.00 payment to pay down the bill.

But we love her because of her feral tendencies and despite them. I just hope that the day will come that I can go into the cat enclosure without wearing knee pads!

This morning, I met with Kathy of MeowVillage and presented her with Odie. Odie is destined to go to a barn- which he will love because he is quite the hunter. Generally, the females are the best hunters as they have to provide for their kittens. I will never be able to adopt this beautiful boy out to a home because as desperately as he WANTS to be petted- he can’t handle the stimulation and he lashes out. At least at the barn, he will have the freedom that cats need and he won’t have to just live in the cage for his entire life. They will keep him inside of a cage for 30 days before letting him out and at my request, they will keep the cage available for him 24/7.

In exchange, we got a 9 year old black cat who has infected eyes from some sort of injury. Right now, Stryker is in the cage vacated by Odie and he is scared to death. I finally went out and covered the catio with the catio cover and now Stryker is hiding inside of his new, quiet cave. I call him Stryker because that’s what he is doing right now, he is striking out in fear not aggression. I know he is not aggressive, because he tried to climb the walls of the cage to escape and the walls are not climbable. They have been covered with linoleum because this cage is where the toms live post neuter. So to prevent Stryker from hurting himself- I covered the catio.

He won’t go back inside of a carrier, so I put instead, a big cardboard box with a heat pad inside. It may be Spring in some areas but right now it is stormy, cold and blowing like a banshee outside. he is a pretty boy and he already made a huge mess in there that I managed to clean out while he was inside the cage. To his credit, he did not attack me although he had ample opportunity to do so. Another way I know that he is not feral.

Mike has a new doctor now, and I like this guy. He is a vascular surgeon and he pulls no punches! Mike got a big dose of reality yesterday as this doctor told him what is what. On the ride home, Mike was unusually quiet and I have to hope and pray that he was digesting all that the doctor told him which was this:

Mr. Miller, you are too fat. You need to eat slower, and eat less. You need to stay off the leg all day if possible. If your leg isn’t elevated, it will swell. When it swells ulcers form and you risk losing your leg. If you don’t elevate it you will spend the rest of your life in wound care. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in wound care?

If you don’t exercise any way you can, you will lose your leg or your life. If you don’t use your CPAP on a nightly basis, you could lose your leg or worse. You have to wear compression stockings no matter how much you hate to! If you don’t, you lose your leg- simple as that. You are not like most people- not only do you have Diabetes but you have DVT, neuropathy, veinous statis and congestive heart failure. Your kidneys are borderline, your heart is struggling. Using your CPAP will in time reverse the damage to your heart- from here on in, I want you to write down everything you eat on a daily basis and also record how long it takes you to eat the meal in front of you.” (Mike tends to gulp down food in seconds).

We will go back in 2 weeks where they will perform an ultrasound of his leg to determine if they can do an ablasion on the leaky valves in his leg. If they are going to do this procedure it will be done the very next day because as the doc said : “Time is of the essence!”  So far, Mike has been staying off his leg today and elevating it. I just hope it lasts. He usually stops doing what the doctors ask him to do a few days after he gets a lecture. I told the doctor thank you for his directness and told him I was tired of being a nag and asking Mike to constantly get off his leg and get back in his chair. The doctor told me that I can’t do that- I can’t police Mike’s every move. he has to WANT to get better and do it himself. So he essentially gave me permission NOT to be a nag! 🙂

Also today the rest of the unclaimed kittens are at a local adoption event with a friend of mine. I hope they all find potential new, loving homes as they will be spayed/neutered in 3 weeks-

Draco and Muggles

I am happy to report that nine kittens have been spoken for at this time. The people are chomping at the bit to get these kittens, but they still need to be spayed/neutered first. Oh the power of social media

Here she is and I have to say, I am head over heels in love with this sweet old girl. She is 10 years old and has survived some pretty nasty beginnings but now she can relax and know that her meals will arrive on time with lots of love attached!

It is unprecedented for us, but this year finds us with 19 kittens in Foster care! There are two more that are here with me- Draco and Muggles- fast running out of supplies and most of them will be hopefully moving on to new homes (via other rescues). But they will be weaned off the bottle soon and returning here to be spayed/neutered and fed! Draco and Muggles are now eating canned kitten food, which is another unprecedented event for us. We usually don’t wean them until they are around 6 weeks old- but this year out of necessity and the fact that the formula no longer satisfies- we have accelerated the weaning process. We are feeding currently FF kitten food wet and Iams Kitten food dry. I just updated the wish list if someone has a few dollars they don’t need- well, we need the food. And still the phone rings constantly with people having abandoned kittens. Our Inn is full up at this time. It is just crazy madness at the moment.

Ashley is coming back to us on Saturday. Apparently she has been hiding under the bed of the Meowvillage volunteer since being dropped off over two weeks ago. They want to take another kitty in her place, so Barney, a 4 year old mack tabby tomcat (no more!) will be switched for her. Barney wandered into a garage in Albany and immediately started baptizing the walls, the cars, the equipment etc… He was finally trapped on Tues. Neutered on Weds and will be at Meowvillage on Saturday. He is not feral- but he hasn’t been inside a home either for a very long time where Ash has been living with us. They just don’t feel it would be fair to Ash to put her in a barn or a shop- so she will be picked up by me on Saturday.

Thanks for any help you can be with the kitten food. Adults are covered, it is the kittens who need the help.

This morning while feeding the two porn kitties. 🙂 (Sorry, that’s what we call them because that is their history.) Anyway, I had to clean and straighten the place up so while I am in there, I just talk to the kitties like I am talking to another person and letting them know what I am doing.

I was in there longer than normal because we had a bad storm last night, and poor Fletcher, I guess you can say he is scared of thunder because he trashed the place. So there I am, putting things right. Dumbledore the big gray polydactyl until now has stayed inside the carrier inside the cage and growls at me any time I approach the carrier. (I hadn’t fed him yet that morning).

I’ve bent over to pick up a litter pan, and I hear this soft “Thump” behind me (where the cage is). I turn around and see Dumbles out of the carrier! I grab a can of food and a bag of dry, take a deep breath and go over to the door expecting him either to rush it or growl and advance on me. He just stood there looking at me.

I step inside, praying he won’t attack me. And ignoring him (he’s in the corner watching but not growling). I pop the lid, pour the food into the bowl and shake some dry. He steps out of the corner goes right to the food and starts eating!

I am just sitting there in the moment, the very first time, this Lost Boy and I have shared personal space since his arrival. I kneel down and talk softly to him and started to pet him! AND he let me!! I petted him a few times, he never ceased eating the entire time and since I didn’t want to push him. I turned around to leave with a big smile on my face. I want to get my scanner out and see if he is chipped but that is for another time. I can’t imagine anyone intentionally dumping a polydactyl they are highly desirable cats in Oregon. I am thinking he was once owned and either got out of the house or was owned by someone who didn’t want to spay or neuter. But he is not feral.

Odie, who I was told originally was “very feral” has been on cage rest for 14 days now. Today, was Independence Day for this fella. His paw with the hole in it has healed and his meds are all swallowed up. I knew he was having cage anxiety, so this  morning, I opened up the back door, opened up the door to his cage and told him he was free!

He jumped down off his cage and went to the back door, darted down the back steps and stopped! I figured he would be hot-footing it to the shop where he likes to hang out. He turned around and looked at me- darted back UP the stairs into the door and scrambled into his cage! Astonished, I looked at him and asked him if he was sure.? To answer me, he jumped on top of the cat condo inside and started to groom himself.

He’s sure and so I will continue to work with him because he is very petting aggressive. I can now pet him for about a minute before he tries to attack me, but originally it was just seconds before he would whop me on the hand. LOL  I have to be careful because when I am cleaning his space he is following my hand like a hound dog on a scent and if the protective gloves come off- he will nail me. Silly Kitty- is he feral? No, not at all. Just been severely neglected of love and care before he arrived here.

We also have two of Sarah’s kittens back- Draco and Muggles. My foster mom told me the litter was extremely high-need and she needed a break. So I took two from her yesterday.

We have never met in person-  yet we must talk about six to eight times a month (I’m guessing) through emails. We met via my blog. I don’t know when he stumbled in here and read my life, but he was led to reach out to me privately and share his blog with me. We found, we have a lot in common even though he lives in another country.

I can always count on him to come in with inspirational and wonderful emails that are thought-provoking and thoughtful at the same time. We call ourselves friends and once again, he reached out to me after reading that Chappy had died.

This was taken off his blog Ihave3cats . He wrote this when his friend’s cat died on April 2, 2012. With his permission, I share it with you now. I will warn you grab a kleenix it is profoundly moving: James thank you for writing this and for sending it my way.

THE BARGAIN 

A friend’s cat died over the weekend. He was not a very old cat, fourteen, I believe, which veterinarians nevetheless say is a senior feline. But this cat had not been well for some time, and his life ended with help from his closest human. 

It made me think about people and their pets, or, rather, why people have pets. I don’t suppose many humans consider the end of an animal’s life, when bringing a cat or dog into their home for the first time is so much like the beginning of it. Yet we live longer than cats and dogs, and, in almost every case, we outlive the pet whom we welcome as part of our family. 

It is a strange bargain we make with these beasts. It is just that, a bargain. We become friends, and friendship is not a gift, it is not free. It is a blessing, but it comes as a deal. “I will be your friend, and you will be mine,” we tell these animals. We take care of them, provide them with food and shelter, medical care when necessary; we see them through illnesses, changes in address, additions to the household, and the neighbour who doesn’t like them. In return, they give us companionship, entertainment, joy. We give each other love. Like marriage, this contract’s most important clauses are not written but felt. 

Part of the bargain is about what happens when our pets grow old, become irreparably sick or assailed with great pain. We know it will happen but we try to ignore it for the greater part of the animals’ lives. Yet it intrudes at last, and finally. Not every cat or dog will die in his sleep, full of years, knowing nothing of discomfort. Too few end their lives this way. The majority, it seems, need us to help them at this time. 

A human who is infirm of body can still use his mind, for it’s the mind that sets us apart and above the rest of life. A futile body, useless limbs, rebellious organs, are tragic and terrible, but people have risen and continue to rise above such afflictions. A cat or dog cannot. He is smart, cunning, clever, thoughtful – but not enough to live only in his head. So when the body fails, we, their friends, must make a horrible decision. We help our loved ones die. 

This is the price of the bargain we make. To end their pain, we must endure it ourselves. We hope that it lessens with time, and it usually does, but it lasts forever, regardless. 

And yet, those of us who make these bargains and pay their cost will go on to make more. We adopt another cat, another dog; not as a replacement, but as a successor. We know how this bargain will end, too – the same way the last one did. And when that one runs its course, we make another, and another; sometimes several at once. We will keep making these bargains until the bargain we made with our own Guardian is called to account. 

We do this, knowing well the consequences, because the bargain is worth it. It is suffering and agony, it is sorrow and loneliness. It is joy and amusement, strength and comradeship. This is the bargain. This is love.

Before the death of Chappy, I could feel the beginnings of self-doubt and questions were forming about what I was actually doing to my life. When I get like this (and there are times the emotions overwhelm) I usually get up really early in the morning and drive to the Lake. I find peace there, talk to God in the quiet- where if He wanted to speak to me- I might actually hear Him. After Benson’s ticket got punched, I woke the next morning feeling such an emotional low. It was about 4:00 a.m. a common time I wake up- because for many years when I was feeding feral colonies around town, this was the best time to feed. I couldn’t go back to sleep and finally decided to just drive to the Lake. About 15 minutes from the house. It was my intention to clear the slate- have it out with God about this contract and this path He has put me on.

I have been there several times in the last few years, to the point of just calling it quits this Rescue Game. The emotional highs and lows can be a bit of a roller coaster ride you would like to jump off of. I had told myself after losing Benson that I was done. It was over, someone else could jump in and take over.

So, I drove up to the Lake, to talk to God. To get it square- to get out of the contract. To have a normal life again and not have to see any more cats suffer. Yep, I had it all figured out.

When I got to the Lake, I turned off the truck and rolled down the window. The Lake is known to be a hot spot for meth heads, so I don’t usually get out of the truck unless I have my fish bopper nearby. So there I was, sitting there breathing in the fresh air, listening to the crickets, the frogs and the splash of the fish on the Lake…and then even though it was raining- I hear a tiny “Meow!”

Without thinking, I grab my flashlight and jump out of the truck shining the light around the area looking for eyeshine- there, by the tree right by where I parked, I see eyeshine. It’s green not red so it wasn’t wildlife. It was a little female kitten soaking wet and trembling. I walk over talking (what Mike calls my “kitty mumbles”) and the kitten doesn’t flee. She meows again, allows me to pick her up, wrap her tight and she stayed on my lap the entire ride home. I had the heater just blaring- she was bone skinny and so cold.

Got home, gave her warming fluids and warmed up some AD and she scarfed both offerings down! I looked skyward and said to God: “OK I get your point!”

The point is, I can’t be in life who I am not in person. I can’t just leave rescue and ignore the suffering of these beautiful animals. There isn’t anyone else in this area that will take on some of the cats and kittens that come through our sanctuary. Do they all make it? No, but when they are here- they don’t suffer any more, or they suffer less because God has given me the gift to know they are suffering, despite what the experts think!

We call her Lake:

Then one of my blog followers reached out to me in private. His gift to me will be shared in another post- not this one.