The living room is now cluttered, (not with cats 🙂 But with medical equipment. His desk and computer have been dissembled and is sitting in small piles on the porch. There is an oxygen machine, a nebulizer, a bedside commode, a privacy curtain along with a new bariatric hospital bed, trapeze and bedside table. His lift chair has also been moved to make room for the moment when they have to come in and help him when I no longer can. I have tried to sleep in my recliner next to him, but he is having loud conversations now with people and animals long passed. These conversations allow the tears I have been holding back to flow and this drains my soul. I now sleep in the bedroom- Kota right by my side, Molly on my feet and Pigeon and PITA sprawled out the side of me. Thank God for a California King bed!

If he calls to me at night- Kota nudges me and we fly into the room together. Kota will go to his side and nudge his hand, and I will tend to his needs of the moment whatever they may be. I have gone from being a wife to the role of being a full-time caregiver with relief coming three times a week in the order of nurses, bed buddies (they give the baths) the social worker or the pastor. I take that time to just grab up Kota and go for a walk along the lake or to the Cascade trails which are looking quite barren these days as they are cutting down the once mighty trees and carting them off. We choose the lake these days.

I don’t like to go out in public. This is a small town and invariably, I will run into someone I know. News travels fast, and the first question they usually ask is “How is Mike doing?”

How is he doing? He is lying in bed, having conversations with dead people, his eyes when they are opened are almost rolled over to the back of his head which is, I am sorry to say, quite creepy. They say it is part of “The Process.” The process, the fight or flight when one individual is caught between two worlds, the physical world and the spiritual one. I take solace in God’s word these days. I drove by a church a few weeks ago, and the slogan on their front board said “Don’t tell me God is silent, if your Bible is closed.” That convicted me and I went home and prayed and opened the Bible and found my center and the strength to get through yet another day.

He calls me Ashley now. That is not an old flame of his, it is the name of one of our fifteen grandchildren. She has reached out to us in this time period and has called him faithfully almost daily. His youngest son is still trying to stay in touch with his dad regularly. The others call when they have 5 minutes to spare on their way to work or back. Each of us trying to find a good balance to keep him in our lives just a little bit longer.

I now understand that Kota is in our lives, not to be his service dog, but to be my comfort. I am keeping up with his training, he goes everywhere with me, because Mike is no longer fully aware of Kota and if I left him at home, there is no telling what would happen. Mike can’t see to his own basic needs at this time, let alone the needs of Kota.

I had to laugh yesterday when I was in Safeway. Kota was lying down on the floor by the grocery cart in the checkout line. Every time the line moved, he would move with me, lie down and wait. A lady behind me commented that she saw a “service dog” in Walmart the other day, peeing on the produce! LOL I told her service dogs, do not pee on produce, ride in grocery carts and poop in the aisles! We all laughed and then the gentleman behind her told me “This is the first service dog I have seen in a long time that LOOKS and acts like a service dog!” I am proud of Kota. He is so easy to train- and loves to be challenged. I’m not taking him to classes for service dog training- not only is the money for these classes ridiculously high, but they want time commitments as well. I have no time, because my husband is running out of time. I am training Kota myself and he has not disappointed me yet. When the time comes to put him through the one class where he can be certified as a service dog, we will go and he will get his photo taken, get his special vest and he will be my service dog till the day he dies. But that day is long down the road we are traveling at this point.

But in the meantime, I will continue to try and keep it together as I watch “The Process” take away the man I have spent half my life with and who has shared with me many adventures, laughs and memories. A man I love with all my heart and who I will miss till the end of MY days.

benevity.com on Nov 27 will be sending $10.00 for every retweet of their special video to your choice of a charity. There is a list of their charities, but as I am skimming the rules, I see that the charity has to be a 501(c)3 which we are. We are not on their list, but perhaps you could request us anyway if you want to participate? The rules and regs are on their website..  www.benevity.com

Someone asked me to post this:

Our Vet:

Faithful Friends Animal Clinic
185 North Santiam Hwy
Lebanon OR 97355
541-451-1319

Current balance $2,031.14

Pigeon’s special food
Royal Canin Vet wet food
CC High Fiber Formula Cat Food comes in dry as well
6 oz. case $40.99

I need to breathe, but I also need to go on Chewy and set up an account for this food because it is prescription. It has to go through the clinic first when it is ordered before they will ship it. So I have to figure that out.

Molly, Bless her pea-picken heart, will not leave me alone. She will follow me from room-to-room. When I do manage to sit down, she jumps up on my chest and climbs right up and keeps licking the tip of my nose. This morning, I was in the shower and she climbed right in while the water was running! LOL I don’t think she will do that again! She is on my lap in this moment chasing my fingers across the keyboard.

Pigeon, since his introduction into our home has always laid on my chest at night and wrapped his paws around my neck purring me to sleep. He is still doing this with a bit of a remarkable change. Generally, his paws are loosely wrapped about my neck and he is settled on my chest. But recently, his paws are clinging to my neck and his head is right by my chin. I’m breathing in cat fur and I feel like I am the one choking and I have to move him back off a bit. A cat sitting or laying on your throat does not feel very comforting. LOL

Kota has been remarkable. I don’t think I have uttered one command to him about what he should do: sit, wait, back, down. He’s just doing it. The other night at the Hospice House, Kota encountered Bear. Bear is this little tiny fuzzy mix of if I would guess, I would say Silkie, miniature poodle, chihuahua, and Scottish terrier in minature. He was decked out in the loudly colored Christmas sweater. What a doll-baby he is. Kota saw him coming down the hall and I thought “Uh oh, here we go.” Normally, Kota would be all over him, but instead, he whined, his tail was flying, but he laid down right next to my legs. I was looking at him thinking “Who are you and what did you do to my dog?”  Bear was on a flex leash and he came up to me, stopped and sat up begging. Brian (his owner an elderly man) stepped into view and said “You must have dog biscuits?”

I did, I had a pocket full of Kota’s favorites. I asked if I could give him one, but Brian said, “Let’s let the two meet first, shall we?” I looked down at Kota, who was still on the down. Tail just whirling, heavy excited panting, body quivering. I knew he wanted to play so badly. But he stayed right where he was at as Bear sniffed him head to toe.Kota was trying to keep track of where Bear was at all time, and his head was twisting and turning and he was looking at me like, MOM! Please?” At one point, Bear put his paw on Kota’s massive shoulder and leaped over him to the other side. LOL  Finally, I told Kota he could get up and they sniffed noses and were fast friends.

He lays in Mike’s room when we get there and if a nurse or aide comes in, he slides under the bed to get out of the way- Mike’s bed is cranked way off the ground. Or, he will go into the bathroom and block the door. Driving, I will start to talk to God and before I know it, I have a very large black german shepherd in my face licking away my tears. He could have been way in the back of the truck looking out the window or sleeping- but the minute I give in to the emotions of the moment, there he is. I have to tell him to get back- he ain’t a lap dog! He currently weighs 95 pounds!

Speaking of weight, thanks in large part to that mass. Mike is now not eligible for any Body Donor Program in Oregon. The students need to be able to work with the body, moving it about and that isn’t going to be possible anymore.

So I had to find a Plan B and Friday next week, I am going to Salem to sign papers and fill out forms to have him cremated. I will request his ashes be shipped to Dave (Mike’s oldest) Dave lives in Anchorage. Doug, Mo, and LaVern are also there. Mike has a spot next to his dad in Newport, Oregon, but he is agreeable with my thinking that it makes no sense (in my mind at least) to bury him up there, when the family when it does get together, generally they are all in Alaska. I don’t need a urn of ashes or a gravestone to remember Mike. I will never forget him.

I don’t want, in the future, the family to get together in Alaska and then have to plan on another expense of going to Oregon to visit their father. That’s just not how I think. They are going to spread his ashes on Hidden Lake, which is the site of our first date. I believe he even gave Doug (the skipper of the family) close coordinates to the spot where I caught the first fish of the day a 24″ rainbow trout! 🙂

Mike is declining rapidly. He has been home three days and has 7 “events” (these happen only at night). All of his kids, his ex-wife, daughter in law are here and have been for two days. Goodbyes have been said, cleansing talks have occurred tears have shed and will continue to be shed for many days- but closure is happening for all. Yesterday, Mike and I had our final talk.

Also, yesterday, the Pastor and Social Worker from Hospice came to visit and the Pastor spoke with Mike and Nicolle, the social worker got me. We talked about everything under the sun, but since I have always had such excellent hearing, I could also pay attention to what was being said by Mike. Nicolle was also multi-listening and when the pastor said something to Mike, she would excuse herself from our conversation and dig in her briefcase for the appropriate paperwork and pass it off. This allowed me to pay more attention to what Mike was rambling on about. You know how he likes to talk!

The Pastor asked him to tell him about his wife and this is what he said: (I am still shaking my head)
“I am so proud of Mary Anne, did you know that she is the original builder of the Crystal Cathedral in Santa Ana, California? Her and Robert Schueller were best friends and after she finished building the cathedral, he was so enchanted by her artistic ability, that he set her up on the corner of the street outside to sell her homemade flowers, paintings and trinkets. Any money she made she put right back into the church!”  (SOB)

Last night things went south quickly and Hospice is picking him up Monday to take him to their Hospice House. They have a room for him now, but they have ordered a special bed and it won’t be here till Monday. He is new on their service and they want to 24 hour assess him and see what happens. Everytime an event happens, I am on the phone with the 24-hr helpline and I think they want to see what is going on. I don’t think that after the week they plan on assessing him in that he will come home. I think he is ready to let go of this world and enter the next.

The bed arrived early- Mike will leave tonight at 7:00 his kids and ex-wife will leave tomorrow morning.

Love you all-

What do you tell someone, who has just been told that they have six months to live? Mike is home and tonight, the Hospice Nurse visited. She asked him if he had any questions for her. He said he had one (his confusion has lifted) He said he wanted to know what Hospice was?

As gently, and professionally and compassionately as she could she explained to him that this was end of life for him. That the general consensus of all his doctors, surgeons and specialists came down to a timeline of six months to live.

This time, he understood and I saw him get really mad and he told her: “I don’t feel like a six monther!’ (I don’t know if that is even a word). After she left, he just got quiet and neither Dave or I had a clue what to say to him. How would I feel if someone had delivered this news to me? Hard to say.

I have the emergency packet of all these pills- morphine, pills for agitation, pills to sleep, pills to stop nausea, pills for shortness of breath, and what they call the End Pill when he is no longer able to swallow. Gone are all restrictions on his life, He was told to Live Large and that is exactly what we are going to do and take it day by day. He had steak, baked potato, peas and broccoli for dinner and for the first time in about 6 months, I watched him want to eat. He wants a GIANT bag of peanut M&M’s to munch on and to start drinking diet pepsi again. Ok Mike, let’s do this and see where it goes.

Today was hard. There was a big meeting with everybody (including Mike and his eldest son who showed up unexpectedly this morning) from Alaska.  When all the doctors said their piece to Mike explaining to him in various ways that they could fix his heart, but it wouldn’t fix anything else going on and if they did the procedures it could make what is going on worse.  Mike still did not seem to understand (or he is just clinging to that Denial) the situation.

That left myself, Dave (Mikes son) and a group from Pallative Care to explain to my husband this was his end of life, and still, he seemed to only cling to the fact that the surgeons said they “could” fix him. That’s all he heard, that’s all he wanted to hear. It was exhausting and a long meeting of which I recorded it for the sake of the kids that didn’t come to see their dad.

In the end, Mike will go to Home Hospice. They told me that they are “the new 911” Should he fall in the house, I am to call them straightaway. They will come out immediately and they are available for both of us 24/7. They will take over in every aspect of his care, visiting 3 days a week. They will look at his meds and toss away the ones that he is taking to prevent something he “might” get in the future- take him off the toxic chit- he has been on opiods for ten years! So his kidneys failing at this stage is no surprise, that is what hydrocodone does, it poisons the kidneys. They will be here for me, for spiritual support, emotional support, whatever I need, and if the care becomes too burdensome, they will take him for 5 days at no charge and put him into a facility to give me a much-needed break.I am ashamed to say that during the meeting, I couldn’t keep it together and when I started to cry, a nurse came over and gave me a box of kleenix. I told her I was sorry that I had broke down and she hugged me and said “Are you kidding me? If I was in your position, I would be on the floor in a puddle!” That made me laugh. 

I know that Mike knows that he is dying and if he wants to play that life is great and a butterfly has landed on his nose and all is right with the world, then I can play along. I know it is going to be hard. He wants to die here and that is not something to look forward to, but it is what it is. His insurance does not cover long-term care of this measure but Hospice Home will be free and they will be available 24/7. If he falls in the house, I am to call them instead of the paramedics. He will be on a morphine pump, he will have a catheter to make it easier on him and I guess we will just continue on and when God knocks on his heart one final time, my hope is his last days were easier for him than his past days have been.

Love you guys, thanks for being here.

My husband of almost 33 years is dying. They have stopped all supportive care and are placing him on Morphine to “ease him into transistion” That’s what they said. His kidneys are at 20% if they go ahead with the angioplasty it will kill him. So it’s a toss-up- will he die of congestive heart failure? Or will his kidneys just say “I’ve had enough- and then they get out of Dodge. I have to attend another meeting tomorrow with everyone in attendance (except Mike) his PC doctor, all the cardiologists, kidney doctors social services- the whole shebang.

He called me last night, he sounded really odd and spoke of things in the past we have done together. He kept telling me over and over that he “felt odd, disjointed, fuzzy inside couldn’t adequately explain it, then he apologized for his past behavior the last few years towards me and said he hoped I would forgive him.

I was there this morning when the doctors came in to see him. They discussed with him that they weren’t going to do the heart surgery and he asked in a puzzled tone “Why not? Isn’t my heart blocked?” One doctor tried to explain to him that they have done all they can and he isn’t responding in a positive nature to anything that they have done for him. He told them about feeling that funny way inside and they just looked at each other and left.

I followed them into the hall where one surgeon gave me a hug and said that this is how people feel right before they die. They don’t suspect he will be here for Thanksgiving.

I went back to in to see him and he was talking about going to Avamere to get stronger and better and coming home. (sob) I talked to him for a few minutes and then left. Tomorrow after the big meeting, I will begin the hard task of letting his kids know. I have kept them updated on everything but this update is not one I wish to deliver.

Pigeon has chronic constipation/obstipation.  He lacks the nerve plexus required to push stool through his system without assistance. Cisipride has been suggested to help him move things along as has Miralax. He needs a more structured diet one of low fiber. I am told Royal Canin makes a good one in both dry and wet. He is done with his Blue Buffalo which I thought would be helpful but I found out, it is not working for him. They also want him to drink more water- but he drinks so much water now. I need to find a bigger pet fountain with free-flowing water to see if that might help him.

They all fell in love with him over the time period he was there being examined, tested, probed and worked on. Even after getting two enemas, his loving purrsonality was still intact and impressing everyone. I am glad to have him home and just hope I can get him to the point where he can use the litterpan on a regular basis and find relief from all the pain he has been in.

Mike’s heart procedure has been cancelled until Monday. He still has the dye in him from the last procedure and because his kidneys are in such rough shape- they want to be sure all the dye is gone before they reintroduce another type of dye for the stents. Apparently the two dyes don’t like each other.

I have a new furnace! It was really an act of God moving mountains to bring it all about. This model is newer than the old one and is equipped with a blower so the heat now travels all over the living room instead of just in a few areas. It was a true miracle how it all came about and I am so grateful as the temperature at night in the house was pretty miserable. This one has a mock fire screen in front of it so it has ambiance as well. We just now got it going and the temp has gone from 42 to 67 degrees in a matter of minutes.

Mike called this morning and he is grumpy. I think he was set for the surgery to be performed, so he could at least start to feel better and now that they pulled that out from under him it has unsettled him. I just told him to try and relax, he is in a good place and I am sure they know what they are doing.

Holy Smokes! I just went on Amazon to see about putting the required food for Pigeon on the wish list- it’s there, but for cripes sake $84.00 for an 8.8 pound bag??! That’s ridiculous 🙁

Someone was kind enough to mail Kitty Treats to us today. Thank you Victoria!  Molly thought I was too slow in opening it up, so she decided to help! Silly Kitty!

Pigeon is still at the vet and will have an exploratory tomorrow to find out what the mass in his stomach is all about. While they are in there, they will clean him out because his stomach and his colon are once again full of stool and he is unable to poop yet again. He wants to come home, he is trashing the place according to one of the vet techs. If you would like to send a few dollars to help pay for this procedure, we would welcome the help.

Mike had a left-heart catherization yesterday. He is still in the ICU. He has been diagnosed with multi-vessel coronary disease with 70% of his heart blocked. To make matters worse, the blocked vessels all show evidence of disease.

He will have 4-6 stents put in tomorrow morning and although the average recovery time for this type of procedure is 4-6 hours, they are not optimistic that he will stay in that “normal” range. His kidney disease has advanced as well and he has a UTI to top things off. He is in good spirits and since arriving, his rhythms have finally settled down into what they call his normal rhythm thanks to the oral meds they put him on. Their plan is (unless he goes south of them) is to put him into the PCU after his procedure.

This morning, on the way home from seeing him, I stopped to get gas and when I opened the back door to grab my purse, a kitten jumped in my truck! Surprising, because Kota was in the truck and thankfully, he is used to cats. I also had a cat trap in the truck, so I quickly put him in the trap and went in to talk to the employees to see if the kitty belonged to someone.

She has been there about a week, they said and they have been feeding her, but no one wanted her. I went back to the rear of the building where they were putting food out and I saw Cheetos and popcorn on a paper plate! No one has fed her anything but junk food which is odd because they sell cat food in their small store. I brought her home, she inhaled a whole can of friskies cat food. I gave her a bath- she was crawling with fleas- and dewormed and de-flead her took her to the vet where she tested negative. She will be spayed on Tuesday. Her name is Chevron and she is the friendliest little kitty. She’s a tuxedo short hair with some unusual patterns on her back and chest.

Neon is recovering well from his surgery. He is fighting an URI but the vaporizer is helping him to breathe so hopefully in a few days, he can go off to a new, loving home.

It has been cold here and we haven’t had heat now in five days. Our furnace kept winking out, so I called a serviceman who came and slapped a condemned sticker on our furnace and turned off the gas! The casing is cracked. Hopefully we will have a new heater by next week. Last night, even with two space heaters going it was 40 degrees in the living room. The serviceman told me about a heater that would kick out more heat it’s called the dish and Costco sells it. Problem is, I don’t have $60.00 to get it right now, so Kota and the kitties will just have to pile on to the bed and help keep me warm. I think they are piling on the bed because of the electric blanket, but that is just a guess on my part. LOL God Bless long underwear and flannel onesies!

And now you are all caught up in my life-