I would say in the last 45 days, I have noticed a change in Kota. He is only sleeping on the bed, or on the couch instead of just stretching out on the floor. When he gets off the couch, it is the strangest thing to watch. He will get down with his front legs extended fully on the floor, but he will keep his back legs propped up on the couch with the pads of his feet extended towards the ceiling. He will stay there for the longest time, then creep forward slowly with this front paws and when his rear hits the floor with a thud, he will just lay down right there for a few moments before moving on. I have never seen anything like it and as it has become a habit for him to do this, I strongly suspected hip dysplasia might be the reason.

I took him in today for films and it isn’t hip dysplasia, it is worse. His hips are so messed up (at age two!) Both of the sockets appear to be displaced severely. There is a surgery to correct this, but it would involve not only several thousands of dollars but months of stress for him as he recovered being confined to a small cage for most of the time. They would have to completely remove both the sockets- then confine him as the scar tissue started regrowing and strengthening the bones again plus they would have to pin him inside and out.

So, we have opted to keep him on pain meds and I told him tearfully that I won’t let him suffer. The vet said he would be surprised if Kota were here for his 6th birthday. 🙁 He is on tramadol twice a day and no more runs in the woods or playing ball or going on playdates. I knew something was wrong but I was hoping just because he is such a mixture of breeds and so lanky, that these stretches off the couch were because of that and nothing else.

My first instinct when I was shown the films and they were explained to me, was to call Mike and let him know. Old habits die hard I guess. Perhaps part of me still thinks Mike is back at the hospital and will be home soon. Not sure why I picked up the phone to dial him up. Brain dead might be a good guess.

Just trying to work through each day and deal with all the emotions that arrive, the best I can. Doesn’t help that our anniversary and his birthday are approaching soon. Hoping once I can get through those days without shaking apart, I might be able to get through the rest of them as well. I feel like a ship that has lost her rudder right now and each day brings new challenges.

Kota and I go for walks (weather permitting) and Kota and Molly are still following me around the house, ready to put their therapeutic paw out whenever it is needed.

The sanctuary cats are doing well. We had a power outage the other day following a fierce wind and now the heated cat beds are dead in the water. I’m not sure what happened? I have flipped all the breakers- turned off switches, replugged in the beds and they are still cold as stone. Not good when temps are dipping down into the 30’s at night. I didn’t realize how much I depended on Mike to fix things for us and now that he isn’t here- I have to figure it out for myself or bug a friend of his to help me out. I hate to be beholden on people like this as I know Jack has his own life and troubles to deal with.

I miss him a lot even though I know he is better off where he is now. just hoping as days pass, I will get my smile back and deal with less tears and heartache.

You know, I thought that when Mike did leave us, that I would feel a big part of relief that his struggles with pain were over. He was so difficult starting about 8 months ago, when his appetite just left him and he got really cranky. There was a time when I considered just leaving him because of the changes the disease was doing to him inside and out. But I stayed, because I took a vow to see him through the good, the bad and even the ugly.

And I miss him more than life itself. I had the bereavement counselor stop by- but she didn’t really do much for me. I showed her my rememberance place that I constructed in one night of intense emotional pain. I stripped my refrigerator of all the magnets, the notices, the cards and put up photos that represented our 40 years together. All aspects of his life are up there. It is not a shrine. It is a place of celebration and reflection and yes, grief for me.

The counselor was impressed when she saw it and said she would mention it to her other clients as a way they can cope. Better than putting him in a book and shoving him in a drawer. This is a place where I can hopefully in time, work through the pain and the loss I am now feeling. The emptiness is overwhelming especially at night. That’s when he used to need me the most, when Kota would wake me to alert me to Mike stopping breathing because of sleep apnea and no, he wouldn’t use his CPAP machine.

And so I go back to just over a month ago that he took his last breath of air with me at his side. And I kissed him and told him I was so glad his pain was over and he was whole again. Mine is just beginning. I pray I am strong enough to come through whole again too.

Last night, I went out to feed the masses and no one was there? I called them all in, no one showed. I finally found them all in the patio enclosure huddled on the couches in there. About an hour later, the storm hit and it hit hard. Major limbs down this morning, lost two trees back by the creek. One of them being a major roosting tree for the wild turkeys.

I walked the pastures this morning with Kota and he “helped” me remove the branches and limbs that scattered the ground. Although playing tug-of-war with the branches isn’t what I consider good help.LOL

The cats are still hunkered down inside and I hear that another storm is approaching quickly. Lost some of the shingles off the main cat enclosure along with the tar paper- but thankfully our major trees that are centuries old are still standing. It was eerily quiet this morning- the calm before the next storm maybe. Only saw my one alpha kitty outside during feeding time. But Bentley has always been fairly fearless.

My brain is so scrambled these days. I had to go and declare Mike dead yesterday in the hall of the recorder. That was hard. I had to surrender his license and handicapped sticker and stop by the banks and tend to all of that.

While at the bank, I went to the drive through on my way out to pick up $60.00 cash from CATS for meds for Pigeon. Somewhere between the bank and the pharmacy, I lost the cash? I was only in the truck. I tore apart the truck when I got home looked high and low, used a flashlight to look under the seats. It’s gone. I called the bank asked if I absentmindedly left it in the tray or dropped it in the parking lot? They looked and couldn’t find it. I can’t figure out where it went? I’d ordered checks but because of the holiday they didn’t arrive in time so I needed the money to pick up his meds. I pulled everything out of the truck- cleaned out my purse- nothing. The only thing I can think of is I did drop it in the parking lot and someone found it and didn’t do the honorable thing and turn it in to the bank as it was in the bank’s envelope.

A bad ending to a bad day. May today be better and may God grant me the  clarity of thought and mind to get through it without mishap and without tears.

The New Year has ushered in a cold snap. 25 degrees F last night and still dropping. The heated cat beds sent to us in the summer while they were on sale, were utilized by the outside kitties. They had nice warm paws and ears this morning. I know that they appreciated that warmness.

Franklin has gone on to a new home where they love his striking looks and vibrant purrsonality. I knew that he wouldn’t be here long- polydactyl’s are always popular. They are so smart and loving- who can’t love a kitty with 21 toes?

I recently finished balancing CATS books. Within the week, I should be able to send all of you who donated this year, your thank you and tax letters. This year was tough on so many people and I so appreciate those of you who continue to give from your heart to these cats. We shall remain a  sanctuary for those here who call our place their home. So thank you from the bottom of our hearts. If you find that you don’t have your letter in a timely fashion, or you disagree with the amount, please let me know. I am still a bit scattered-brained and missing my other half terribly. Trying to soldier on and keep to the details.

Hoping all is well in your world. Hug those around you that you love and care for and thank them for sharing your life.