This is the time last year, when life for Mike and I went totally south. I am besieged from memories of the time from late August to early December when the realization that my husband was dying slowly started sinking in.
Last night, I woke from a bad dream, and soon the tears were streaming down my face and before I knew it, Kota came running in from the patio where he had been sleeping to comfort me. I hadn’t made a sound, just silently crying but Kota knows, just like he always does.
I wish I could stop crying. I am going to Grief Share, I am keeping a private journal and I am sure my friends are thinking it is time for me to just shake it off and go forward. My older sister told me the other day to just take a deep breath and get back to living.
All I know is I miss him every day. I remember in the end, how he just saw past me and would be having conversations with friends and relatives long-dead. I knew that he had a foot in both worlds and when he died a part of me left with him. I just didn’t think it would be this hard. I tried to distance myself from him in so many ways, I think to protect myself from immense grief and that back-fired big time.
I know he is with God and so many of his friends both human and animal, but it doesn’t make it hurt less. It is the silence at night that threatens to overwhelm me. I keep the television on whether or not I am watching it just to have noise fill the house. I still can’t go to our favorite spots without breaking down, and when I get mail in his name, I just burst out crying.
This sucks because I know that I am stronger than this. People tell me it will get better and that the first year is the hardest. I just pray they are right.
Thanks for listening to me blubber-
There is no magical timetable for grief work — and it IS work! It takes however long it takes. While I’ve never been married, my closest friend in the world just disappeared one day in July of ‘92. His burned out car was found a week later and hIs body was found 2 weeks later. He had been shot in the head. After all this time we still don’t know why he was killed or by whom. I can tell you I’m not the same person as I was before this happened. It took me years to move forward from his death. But I did. And you will too. But on your own timetable.
My mom grieved for my dad hard the first year. The 1st for everything, getting sick, birthdays, Xmas etc did not help. She lost 50+ pounds the first 6 months! She still misses him after 3 years, but that will never go away. My mom started doing better after a year and is happy and not sad now. No one expects you to stop grieving and it sounds like you are going the right things to help. It will get better. (Hugs)
Please cut yourself a million miles of slack! No one can compare how they grieve with another’s loss. It’s all very individual, and please don’t listen to anyone who tells you to suck it up! That is just too unkind, and incredibly unhelpful. What is more loving, is to make you a meal, or a cup of coffee, and listen to your thoughts. Trust yourself. It’s your pain; no one else’s. Hugs and purrs to you today.
No one can tell you when you “should be” ready to get back to living, or over this. There is no consistent time table! Grieving has no booklet that you can follow (yes, there are stages of grief but how long you are in each, will be what you need it to be. Period. In my opinion).
Care for yourself as if consoling your dearest friend. Be patient with yourself.
I am sorry there isn’t something I can do to take any of the pain away from you. Know that I, and many others, care.
Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. If you feel like crying – or even if you don’t but do anyway – then let it happen. That is your soul healing itself. Your loss will always hurt, but you will cope and go on. You are doing so now. Living and carrying on and doing what needs to be done doesn’t need to be done without tears. You are strong and you are capable, it may just not feel like it some days.
I am so sorry. I think we always miss those we love when they die. But I did find it true that the first year was the hardest. Grief is so raw and there are so many “anniversaries” and new experiences to face. Gradually the sharp, physical pain lessened, and although I still think of the three I have lost every day, and miss them, it is now a pleasure to think of them. Be good to yourself, and know that you have a circle of people who care about you.
Each time you talk about your grief you let a little bit of it go. The first year is always the hardest. Things will get better with time. I’m praying for you.